I comfort-ordered a white HomePod mini this morning. When I’m feeling stressed, I tend to buy things and eat a lot of cheese, and hoo-boy that 18-count mega box of Kraft mac and cheese from Costco is emptying at an alarming rate. Lucky for me and my cheese stash, another opportunity to therapeutically buy stuff is right around the corner, with Apple’s “One More Thing” event just 3 days and 20 hours away, according to my Scriptable widget.

I will admit to not knowing much about computer processors, and what features/outcomes certain types of processors can enable. That’s why I’m the perfect person to write a hilariously specific prediction post for next week’s event. For this, I’m going to pretend I have an inside source (I don’t) and make some confident statements about what to expect. Why am I doing this? Because my kids are napping and I literally cannot concentrate on anything else I am supposed to be doing right now.

Okay, here goes.

MacBook Air

Apple is going to announce a brand new 13-inch MacBook Air that runs on a variant of the A14 chip. This Air will be the same thickness as previous models with the same tapered design, but will be fanless, with FaceID but no TouchBar. It’ll have two USB-C ports, a headphone jack, and come in 5 different colors. It’ll boast up to 13 hours of battery life.

MacBook Pros

Apple is going to announce new 14-inch and 16-inch MacBook Pro models. These will run on a different chip (maybe M14?) and won’t be fanless. They’ll have a TouchBar, FaceID, four USB-C ports, a headphone jack, speaker and microphone improvements, higher resolution mini-LED displays, and up to 12 hours of battery life. Their GPU performance will be bananas-good. They’ll come in the usual colors, along with one wildcard…my guess is black or blue.

All 3 laptop models will gain an upgraded 1080p HD camera and the FaceID sensor will mean support for Animoji/Memoji in video chats. I’m torn on whether or not they’ll bring back the light-up Apple logo. Maybe I’ll make this bold prediction: the Airs will have Apple’s classic rainbow logo on the back, but it will not light up. The MacBook Pros will have a white Apple logo that does light up.

Other Stuff

How about those AirTags, amiright? Actually, I think if Apple adds anything to this event, it will either be headphones or a Mac mini. There will undoubtedly be some demos of iOS and legacy apps running on Apple Silicon and Big Sur, including a game demo.

So, there you have it: my expert predictions for the Apple Silicon Mac event. Honestly, the only thing I really want out of this event is MacBooks in different colors, and I probably won’t get it. A girl can dream though, right?